ZERO

i wrote like a hundred pages already but in the end it might be all very easy

i

was

defeated

and i look at the words with thrill (holding my breath) the way i always do when i see radical - the reason why i was always so blind to anything unruffled

like there was something exalted about being defeated about being tortured something noble about the pain - somehow i couldn't imagine a world without it anymore (i probably wouldn't want to live in it anyway)

i struggle to find the words but what i'm actually trying to tell you is that i have been broken and how it feels (how it doesn't hurt) - it's not just that i have lost my purpose it's like all purposes in the world have lost its purpose they had been called into question and laughed off

i think i might have burned out