the reason why i could not belong into this world was pretty much obvious - me and the other people do not share the same history
in mine there is a gap a huge confusing white spot - all that time that i have spent alone convinced of my unworthiness i explored all the exits all the chemins and sentiers sparing me the looks that have been ruining me - for a long time i believed it all had saved me somehow but now i know these circumstances only made me who i am today - a cripple who does not fit into the world of people
the time i spent alone is an anomaly about which i do not allow myself to speak aloud the only solution i saw was changing the history and thus i created a character - after having my alter ego mastered i am capable of acting like a queen of superficiality and i make shallow friends quite easily but then as the time goes the queen weakens and she gets drained by her true self who along with the dread of being revealed as a fraud still wants to emerge when he senses the soothing intimacy of a human being - the moment when he raises his true beaten face is what banishes the queen immediately
because of my weakness i could never tell pure lies - the white confusing spot has never dissapeared effortfuly and for a limited time i could only make people look the other way
there was another interpretation of this story - and it said that this belief is just a disguised continuation of the belief in one's unworthiness
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