FRAGILE AND DAMAGED

i can see now that all the big mistakes that i have done in my life were those caused by my stupid loneliness - the craving for human company pushed me towards the few people that held out their hands for me a gesture that would captivate me and i would move in whatever direction that hand would show me listen contentedly to those words hearing nothing but the mellow kindness in them

only after many long years i would have a clear look around where i suddenly was - the view devastated me i felt so betrayed yet i have not been betrayed by anyone but myself

because there is a difference between fragile and damaged - while people took me for fragile i was only damaged the question was however if i could ever be fixed and perhaps i knew the way but couldn't do it myself and so i would only do superficial restoration struggling to twist my hands in an uncomfortable way in order to appear somewhat unbroken and whenever people saw me walking they couldn't hear the unhealthy rattling but they could certainly see the shilly-shallying and the only two ways they would approach me was either to pity or to mock me

the other word for fragile is weak and people treated me that way - what can i say after all this time i acted weak in other words asked for this to happen lately i have made a few other mendings that went deeper to the core and felt somewhat steadier but i could barely see a way out of this weak shape now never strong enough to tell someone that i was really not fragile at all whenever i tried it felt like being a monster violently forcing out of this lovely shell of mine

my stupid loneliness only caused troubles and i could already see it coming now - the biggest mistake of all which i will wistfully shake hands with at the time when i won't be able to bear the loneliness anymore i will joyfully walk by his side down the path leading me to nowhere but towards the final self-destruction - wil i be ressurected then? will i be fixed?