PORCELAIN BOY

you waited on very patiently for your next move and i was too unwilling and still so goddamn hopeful to see that you acted in cold blood - in my mind i had already pictured a way to save someone that never wanted to be saved

because to be saved would mean to lose - to be saved meant to truly feel the pain to be saved meant to be betrayed and abandoned by the one you loved left to die alone in shame and in silence out in the snow - to be saved meant for this to be your ultimate reality for the rest of eternity - would anyone really want to be saved knowing all this? is this really the salvation?

all i could see was the familiar wariness and the void in your eyes - that flicker of something that could not live - and walking the street beside me you pulled your hood up disturbed by this odd magnetism terrified of all that could never happen to that poor shrunken heart of yours

why are you leaving where the fuck are you going

I HAVE ABANDONED THE LAND I LOVED - AND IN TERROR I'VE BURNED ALL MY ACHIEVEMENTS AND ERASED ALL EVIDENCE I COULD EVER LIVE A BETTER LIFE

I HAD WATCHED THE DEATH OF THE MAN I LOVED IN HIS VERY EYES NOW I HAVE TO LOSE THE WHOLE GODDAMN COUNTRY THAT RESSURECTED ME AND WOUNDED ME

RATIONALLY I LEFT ABRUPTLY - ONE LEG LIMPING ONE EYE BLEEDING - MY REASON BRINGING NOTHING BUT COMFORT TO MY BODY AND UTTER DESPAIR TO MY SOUL

THE TRAUMA MY ALMIGHTY ENSLAVER DRIFTING ME FAR AWAY FROM THIS WORLD - HOLDING ME OH SO TIGHTLY

LIKE A WITNESS OF WAR

and with the help of this rash blow coming from the one i least expected i was able to heal my open wounds - all of a sudden they closed healed by a breeze i felt on my skin after you'd shut the door - confusedly i watched my chest in the mirror with faint pink scratches on it (from his claws) without me even noticing the grip upon my mind had eased and i was free to walk away

i was free to go

i touched the earth with my hand gently i felt the moist soil with my fingertips - i saw a glimpse of how earthy the reality could be

somewhere out in the nature in an old cottage with stuff left in its attic

a small quiet room that could only belong to us

if only your pretty head could fit in it

pohreb hmatatelnosti snov

and i gasped for air as i reached my purgatory i whispered god's name and cried - embracing the horror of my newest twisted form of reality - the shock that shattered me after i'd seen its true face - my most exquisite dreams disfigured their beams of light broken a caricature of my masterpiece

that he threw in front of me on the ground covered in mud - as if feeding a mongrel

at last i had something worth mourning - god i whispered how i needed this - how i needed to stand there in the rain and watch the funeral of my dreams' tangibility

SILENT MYSTERY OF THE SHINE OF THE MOON

after my very impressive recovery i was now back to being myself but i had to pay a nasty price for it - i had to submit to a new power rising from the moon that was gleaming in a silky manner in the darkness of my sky - the moon was staring at me its radiating mightiness nearly tangible and capable of anything - i was a burning star with tons of strength i didn't know how to use torn by nuclear fusion of hydrogen nuclei into helium i was the origin of all inner struggles - once i had a look it was only destined for me to be helplessly captivated by the silent mystery of the shine of the moon

and i had to chew and swallow all my pride lose all my dignity in order to take a bow to worship it - unconscious of the fact that he was nothing but a mere reflection of the incomprehensible explosive light of my fire

i choose not to worry

i choose to believe

i choose to have hope

UNSPOKEN TALES

you see this is where the words fail to describe - this is where reality turns into a poem which no human can write - there is something about the way the darkness coats the grass - something about listening to the waves all night and the drizzling on the invisible leaves - finding a shelter in the lee that protects me from the rough ocean wind and the awareness of the steep cliffs threatening proximity - something about the whole world being asleep and the thrill of the danger that hangs in the air and emerges in car lights violently penetrating the smooth embrace of the dark

- the more words i use the more the image fades away

- at the same time i felt like nobody could really know me without knowing how this felt