the last entry was a malfunction actually i still have no idea what to say - i still haven't completely understood what just happenned
i can describe it at least - i have spent like five days in excruciating pain for untrue reasons that i have probably just invented and deluded myself into believing it - even though yesterday i was sure of this because you actually told me it was all rubbish now i am beginning to have doubts again - it's as if there truly lived a monster inside me who had significant control over myself who was more powerful than all the sense in the world and who simply wanted me to suffer
for a brief moment i saw how unbelievably pathetic i was even though i didn't really feel it - my insides were still partly wallowing in pain for something that wasn't even true - and instead of feeling embarrased about it along with the sudden calm i felt a hint of startled dissapointment - that faint prick i also felt when the dark clouds simply passed the sky without thundering for that one brief moment i saw what a dangerous place my mind actually was and how it was able to separate me utterly from reality force me to sink into its underworld - how it was able to destroy me - just like i yearned for the thunderbolts the purpose of my mind was nothing but to fry its own brain
of course it was all just a vague image now and i didn't feel like it was true anymore - my terrible conclusions were creeping slowly on me not allowing me to see anything clearly the untrue reasons were becoming more probable with each heartbeat - there will forever be only the memory of the realisation how enormously wrong i was but i had no idea what to make of it anyway
i felt oddly calm but it was just that silence before yet another battle was about to start
i can describe it at least - i have spent like five days in excruciating pain for untrue reasons that i have probably just invented and deluded myself into believing it - even though yesterday i was sure of this because you actually told me it was all rubbish now i am beginning to have doubts again - it's as if there truly lived a monster inside me who had significant control over myself who was more powerful than all the sense in the world and who simply wanted me to suffer
for a brief moment i saw how unbelievably pathetic i was even though i didn't really feel it - my insides were still partly wallowing in pain for something that wasn't even true - and instead of feeling embarrased about it along with the sudden calm i felt a hint of startled dissapointment - that faint prick i also felt when the dark clouds simply passed the sky without thundering for that one brief moment i saw what a dangerous place my mind actually was and how it was able to separate me utterly from reality force me to sink into its underworld - how it was able to destroy me - just like i yearned for the thunderbolts the purpose of my mind was nothing but to fry its own brain
of course it was all just a vague image now and i didn't feel like it was true anymore - my terrible conclusions were creeping slowly on me not allowing me to see anything clearly the untrue reasons were becoming more probable with each heartbeat - there will forever be only the memory of the realisation how enormously wrong i was but i had no idea what to make of it anyway
i felt oddly calm but it was just that silence before yet another battle was about to start
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